Tell Me Family

Questions to ask your parents

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You can know your parents your entire life and still not know how they met, why they moved, or what they were afraid of when you were small. Most of that never comes up on its own, because family conversation runs on logistics. These questions work for either parent, or for both at once. They are built around specific moments, because "Tell me about your life" gives a person nowhere to start. Each one comes with a follow-up for the second answer, which is usually the better one. If both parents are in the room, let them disagree. Two versions of the same story tell you more than one.

Where the family comes from

Get names and places down now. Later, there may be nobody left to ask.

  1. Where did your grandparents come from?
    Follow-up: Why did they leave?
  2. How did our family end up in this town?
    Follow-up: Who came first?
  3. Which relative do you wish I had met?
    Follow-up: What would they have made of me?
  4. What is the family story everyone tells?
    Follow-up: What part do people leave out?
  5. Is there a family member nobody talks about?
    Follow-up: What happened?
  6. What did your family do on Sundays?
    Follow-up: Who was at the table?
  7. What do we still have that belonged to your parents?
    Follow-up: How did it get to us?

How you two started

Ask each parent separately if you can, then compare the versions.

  1. What was the first date?
    Follow-up: Who paid, and how did it go?
  2. What did your friends think of each other?
    Follow-up: Who had to be won over?
  3. Where did you live right after you married?
    Follow-up: What did the rent cost?
  4. What was your first big decision together?
    Follow-up: Who wanted what?
  5. What did you argue about in the early years?
    Follow-up: How did you settle it?
  6. What was the best trip you ever took together?
    Follow-up: What went wrong on it?
  7. What is the secret to staying together, honestly?
    Follow-up: When was that tested?

Raising us

You saw this from the inside as a child. Now get their side.

  1. What did you do differently from your own parents?
    Follow-up: Did it work?
  2. What was the scariest moment you had as a parent?
    Follow-up: Who did you turn to?
  3. What did you and your partner disagree on about us?
    Follow-up: Who won that one?
  4. What do you remember about my first day of school?
    Follow-up: What did you do after you dropped me off?
  5. What was your favorite age for each of us?
    Follow-up: What were we like then?
  6. What did we do that you still laugh about?
    Follow-up: Were you laughing then?
  7. What would you do over?
    Follow-up: What stopped you at the time?

Turning points

Every life has a few forks in the road. Ask about the ones you already know of.

  1. What was the hardest year of your life?
    Follow-up: What got you through it?
  2. When did a job change everything for the family?
    Follow-up: How did you decide?
  3. Which move or decision do you think about most?
    Follow-up: What would have happened otherwise?
  4. Who helped you when they didn't have to?
    Follow-up: Did you ever get to thank them?
  5. What did you lose that you never got back?
    Follow-up: How do you carry that now?
  6. What historic event do you remember living through?
    Follow-up: Where were you standing when you heard?
  7. When did you feel like a grown-up for the first time?
    Follow-up: What had just happened?

Everyday life back then

Daily details vanish first and are often what the grandchildren enjoy most.

  1. What did a normal Tuesday look like when you were ten?
    Follow-up: What was your job around the house?
  2. What did a phone call cost you, and who was on the line?
    Follow-up: Who was listening in?
  3. What did your neighborhood sound like in summer?
    Follow-up: Who was out on the street?
  4. What was your first car?
    Follow-up: What finally happened to it?
  5. What music did your parents hate?
    Follow-up: What did you play anyway?
  6. How did your family spend Christmas or the big holidays?
    Follow-up: What dish had to be there?
  7. What do you miss that doesn't exist anymore?
    Follow-up: Where was it?

What they want us to know

These can feel heavy. Ask them gently, and only if the moment is right.

  1. What do you hope we remember about you?
    Follow-up: What story shows that best?
  2. What do you want to be sure gets said?
    Follow-up: Who needs to hear it?
  3. What are you most grateful for?
    Follow-up: Who do you connect that with?
  4. What should we never sell or throw away?
    Follow-up: What is the story behind it?
  5. What advice did you ignore, and regret?
    Follow-up: Who gave it to you?
  6. What makes you happy on an ordinary day now?
    Follow-up: When did that start?
  7. What do you want your grandchildren to know about how you lived?
    Follow-up: What is one example?

Before you sit down

Decide first whether you want one parent at a time or both together. Together they correct each other, which is entertaining and often useful, but one of them may end up doing most of the talking. If that happens, set up a second conversation with the quieter parent. You'll often hear a very different version of the same years.

Before you start, write down what you think you know: where they grew up, how they met, why the family moved. Then check it. Family stories drift over time, and it's common to find that something you've repeated for decades happened differently, or to someone else.

Make a note of every name you don't recognize as they talk. At the end, go back and ask who each one was. Those people usually lead to the next good conversation, and to relatives you may want to call while you still can. Keep the list somewhere safe. Twenty years from now, it may be the only record of who those people were and how they connected to you.

Three common mistakes

  • Asking too much at once. Two questions in one sentence get half an answer. Ask one, then wait.
  • Asking over a bad phone line. People give short answers when they can't hear you well or can't see your face. Sit down together, or use a clear connection and a quiet room.
  • Rushing to correct them. If a date is wrong, let it go. Stop someone to fix a detail and they stop telling the story. Check facts later.

Download the cheat sheet

Every question and follow-up from this page on a PDF you can print. Keep it folded in a pocket, or leave it on the table during a visit.

Common questions

What are good questions to ask your parents before they pass away?

Ask about the people and places only they remember: their grandparents, how the family got here, the hardest year, and what they want the grandchildren to know.

Should I interview my parents together or apart?

Try both. Together they trigger each other's memories. Apart, each will tell you things they wouldn't say in front of the other.

How do I bring this up without it sounding morbid?

Say you want the grandchildren to know the stories, or that you realized you don't know how they met. Curiosity works better than urgency.

Would you rather not do the asking? Start a free interview. You send a link, the AI asks the questions and follows up on what they say, and you keep the recording and a written story. The first ten minutes are free, and they don't need an app.