How to interview a parent about their life

Interviewing a parent feels strange at first, for both of you. They are used to being the one who knows things about you, and now you are asking about them with a phone on the table. That awkwardness lasts about four minutes. After that, most people relax and start remembering. The advice below is there to get you through those four minutes and to keep things going afterward.

What to say first

Don't open with "I'd like to interview you about your life." It sounds like an assignment, and it invites "Oh, nobody wants to hear about that." Say something more like this. These five lines can be read as they are.

1. "I realized I don't know how you and Dad met, and I'd like to."
2. "Can I record this? I want the kids to hear it in your voice."
3. "We can stop whenever you want, and you can skip anything."
4. "There are no right answers. I just want to hear about it."
5. "So, what is the first house you can remember?"

Notice that the last line is small and concrete. A first question should be easy and should put them in a real place. If they know where they are in the memory, the rest tends to follow.

Where to sit, and how to record

Choose a quiet room with soft furnishings. Kitchens look cozy, but refrigerators hum and hard surfaces echo. Turn off the TV and any fans. Sit at an angle rather than straight across from each other; it feels less like an interview.

• Use a phone's voice recorder. A separate microphone is not required.
• Put the phone on a folded towel, about two feet from them, so it doesn't pick up table bumps.
• Turn on airplane mode so that calls don't interrupt the recording.
• Make a ten-second test and play it back before you begin.
• Morning is usually better than evening. People have more energy.
• Have water nearby, and old photos if you can find them.

How to ask so they keep talking

Ask one question at a time. If you hear yourself say "and," stop. Two questions at once produce half an answer, and it is usually the half you cared less about.

Then wait. After they stop talking, count to three in your head before you say anything. It will feel far too long. Those three seconds are when people add the part they weren't sure they would tell you. Filling the silence is the most common way to lose a good story.

Follow details rather than your list. If they mention "that winter in Duluth," forget your next question and ask what they were doing in Duluth. Your list is only there for when the conversation runs out. Good follow-ups use their words: a name they mentioned, a place, a year. "Who was Marge?" will beat almost anything you wrote in advance.

Avoid questions that can be answered yes or no. "Did you like school?" gets "It was fine." "Who was the teacher you remember most?" gets a person, and then a story about them.

Ask about feelings through facts. "How did you feel when your father died?" can shut a conversation down. "Where were you when you heard?" lets them come at it their own way. They'll usually get to the feeling by themselves.

If they say no, or say there's nothing to tell

Almost everyone says "My life wasn't that interesting." Don't argue with it. Say you're not asking for their life story, only about one thing, and name it: how they got their first job, or what the house on Elm Street was like. A small request is easy to agree to, and a small question often turns into an hour.

If they truly don't want to be recorded, believe them. Ask whether they would mind if you just talked and took a few notes, or if they would rather write something down. Don't record anyone in secret. It breaks their trust, and in some states it's against the law. Some people warm up once they've seen that a first conversation was painless, so you can always ask again in a few months.

When the conversation stalls or wanders

If the answers get short, change the subject to something physical: a photo, a recipe, a tool, a car. People often find it easier to talk about an object than about themselves. If your parent tells a story you've heard a hundred times, let them, and ask about one detail you have never heard. Old stories have side doors.

If they go off topic, that's usually good news. A question about school that turns into a story about an uncle has given you something you wouldn't have known to ask. Only steer back if they have clearly lost the thread and seem to want help. A gentle "You were telling me about the farm" will do it.

Watch for tiredness: long pauses, repeating, looking at the clock. End before they run out of energy, on a good story if you can. Say what you enjoyed hearing, and name something you'd like to ask next time. That turns one interview into a series, which is where the best material tends to come from.

Five mistakes to avoid

1. Correcting them. If a date is wrong, leave it. You can check later. Interrupt to fix a detail and they lose the thread, and sometimes their confidence.
2. Telling your own version. You will want to say "I remember that!" Save it. This is their turn.
3. Staying too long. Stop while they still want to talk. Thirty good minutes makes them willing to do it again.
4. Skipping the recording check. Everyone has a story of the best interview they ever did and the file that didn't save. Play back a few seconds before you start and after you finish.
5. Waiting for the right time. There isn't one. Short and imperfect, this week, is better than perfectly planned, some day.

Twelve questions to start with

You won't need all of these in one sitting. Pick three or four and let the conversation go wherever it wants.

1. What is the first house you remember?
2. Who lived there with you?
3. What did your father do for work?
4. What did your mother cook on a normal night?
5. Who was your best friend as a child?
6. What was your first job?
7. How did you meet your husband or wife?
8. Where did you live when you were first married?
9. What do you remember about the day your first child was born?
10. What was the hardest year of your life?
11. Who helped you when you needed it most?
12. What do you want your grandchildren to know?

For more, with a follow-up under each one, see the question guides.

Afterward

Label the file with their name and the date as soon as you finish, and save a second copy somewhere that isn't your phone. If you want it written up, a transcript is the place to start. Send your parent a thank-you, and tell them one thing you learned. It is the best way to get a second session.

Common questions