Questions to ask your mom
Most moms answer "How was your childhood?" with "Fine." The question is too big, and she has spent years being the one who asks about everybody else. Specific questions work better because they point at one room, one person or one afternoon, and that is where memory lives. Use the questions below in any order and pick the ones that fit your family. Under each one is a follow-up, because the first answer is rarely the interesting one. Her second sentence usually is. Ask one question, then give her time. If she goes off on a tangent, follow her. The tangent is often the story you came for.
Her life before you
She had a whole life you never saw. Start there, because she rarely gets asked.
- What did your bedroom look like when you were twelve?
Follow-up: Who did you share it with, and what did you fight about? - What did you want to be before you had kids?
Follow-up: Who told you that was or wasn't possible? - Who was your best friend at sixteen?
Follow-up: What did the two of you do that your parents never found out about? - What was your first paycheck for?
Follow-up: What did you buy with it? - What did you wear on your best day in high school?
Follow-up: Where did it come from, and what happened that day? - Where was the first place you lived on your own?
Follow-up: What did you have to eat that first week? - Who was the first person you ever fell for?
Follow-up: How did that end?
Her own mother and father
How she talks about her parents tells you where your family habits came from.
- What did your mother smell like?
Follow-up: What room do you picture her in when you remember that? - What did your father do when he came home from work?
Follow-up: What did the house feel like at that moment? - What rule in your house made no sense to you?
Follow-up: Did you keep that rule with us? - What did your mother cook when money was tight?
Follow-up: Do you still make it? - When did you first see your parents as regular people?
Follow-up: What did you do with that? - What did your parents argue about?
Follow-up: How did you know it was over? - What do you still do exactly the way your mother did?
Follow-up: When did you notice?
Love and marriage
Ask about moments and places, not feelings. The feelings come along on their own.
- Where were you when you met Dad?
Follow-up: What was the first thing he said to you? - What did your parents think of him?
Follow-up: What did they say when he wasn't in the room? - What went wrong on your wedding day?
Follow-up: Who fixed it? - What was your first home together like?
Follow-up: What was broken in it? - What was your first real fight about?
Follow-up: Who gave in? - When did you know this was going to last?
Follow-up: What was happening that day? - What do you wish you had known at twenty-five?
Follow-up: Who could have told you?
Becoming a mother
She remembers details of your early years that nobody else alive knows.
- What was the day I was born like?
Follow-up: Who came to see us first? - What surprised you most about the first month?
Follow-up: Who did you call for help? - What did you do when you couldn't get me to stop crying?
Follow-up: Did it work? - What was the hardest age for you?
Follow-up: What was going on in your life then? - What did you worry about that you never told us?
Follow-up: Where did you go to think about it? - What did you give up that we never knew about?
Follow-up: Do you ever think about it now? - What is a time I made you really proud?
Follow-up: Did you tell anyone?
Work and money
Paid or unpaid, her work shaped the family. Ask what it actually took.
- What was the hardest job you ever had?
Follow-up: Who made it bearable? - How did you and Dad decide who did what at home?
Follow-up: Was that fair? - What was the tightest year for money?
Follow-up: What did you do that we didn't notice? - Who was the best boss you ever had?
Follow-up: What did they see in you? - What did you do that you were better at than anyone expected?
Follow-up: Who noticed? - What did you do to get a little time for yourself?
Follow-up: Where did you go? - What was the best money you ever spent?
Follow-up: Would you buy it again?
Looking back
Save these for later in the conversation, once she is warmed up and talking.
- What is something you changed your mind about?
Follow-up: What changed it? - Who do you miss the most?
Follow-up: What would you tell them? - When were you the most scared?
Follow-up: Who was with you? - What did you get right that you are quietly proud of?
Follow-up: Did anyone ever say so? - What story do you want your grandchildren to hear?
Follow-up: What should they take from it? - What do you want us to keep doing after you're gone?
Follow-up: Where did that tradition start? - What do people get wrong about you?
Follow-up: What would you like them to know?
Before you sit down
Pick a time when she isn't doing something for someone else. If she's cooking, offer to take over a chore and ask from the next chair; many moms talk more easily with their hands busy. Bring something that belonged to her mother, or a photo from before you were born, and ask who took it.
Listen for the phrase "Oh, that was nothing." It usually comes right after something that wasn't nothing. Ask about it. She may play down the years she worked two jobs, or the move she didn't want to make, because she has spent her life making hard things look easy for you.
Don't feel you need to get through a whole section. One good conversation about her mother is worth more than twenty quick answers. If she asks why you want to know, tell her the truth: you realized how much of her life you never asked about.
Three common mistakes
- Asking too much at once. Two questions in one sentence get half an answer. Ask one, then wait.
- Asking over a bad phone line. People give short answers when they can't hear you well or can't see your face. Sit down together, or use a clear connection and a quiet room.
- Rushing to correct them. If a date is wrong, let it go. Stop someone to fix a detail and they stop telling the story. Check facts later.
Common questions
What should I ask my mom first?
Start with something small and concrete, like what her childhood bedroom looked like. It is easy to answer and it gets her picturing a real place.
What if my mom only gives short answers?
Use the follow-up. Short answers usually mean the question was too broad. Ask about one person or one day and wait a few seconds before you say anything.
How long should a conversation with my mom last?
Twenty to thirty minutes is plenty. Stop while she still wants to talk, and come back another day with the next group.
Would you rather not do the asking? Start a free interview. You send a link, the AI asks the questions and follows up on what they say, and you keep the recording and a written story. The first ten minutes are free, and they don't need an app.