Tell Me Family

Conversation starters for families

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Families can eat dinner together for years and mostly discuss the schedule. A good conversation starter gives people permission to say something they wouldn't otherwise bring up, and it works best when it is easy to answer and hard to answer with one word. These are for the dinner table, the car, holidays and long visits. Most work with kids and grandparents at the same table. Don't go around the circle like a quiz. Toss one out, let whoever wants to answer go first, and use the follow-up on whatever catches your interest. If everyone is laughing and off topic after five minutes, it worked.

At the dinner table

Light enough for a weeknight and open to all ages.

  1. What is the best thing you ate this year?
    Follow-up: Who were you with?
  2. What did you do today that nobody knows about?
    Follow-up: Would you do it again?
  3. What rule in this house would you change?
    Follow-up: What would happen then?
  4. Who in this family is most likely to survive on a desert island?
    Follow-up: What would they bring?
  5. What was the funniest thing that happened this week?
    Follow-up: Who else saw it?
  6. What is something you are getting better at?
    Follow-up: Who taught you?
  7. What meal would you eat every day if you had to?
    Follow-up: Who should cook it?

In the car

Nobody has to make eye contact, which is why car conversations go deep.

  1. If we kept driving and never turned around, where would we end up?
    Follow-up: What would we do there?
  2. What is the best trip this family ever took?
    Follow-up: What went wrong on it?
  3. What song should be played at every family event?
    Follow-up: Who would hate it?
  4. What place do you want to see before you get old?
    Follow-up: Who would you take?
  5. What is the worst job you can imagine?
    Follow-up: What would you do on your first day?
  6. Who was your favorite teacher or coach?
    Follow-up: What did they do differently?
  7. What is something you changed your mind about this year?
    Follow-up: What changed it?

Between generations

Put a grandparent and a grandchild together and let these run.

  1. What did you do for fun at my age?
    Follow-up: Would I have liked it?
  2. What do you think kids have easier now?
    Follow-up: What do they have harder?
  3. What did you get in trouble for at my age?
    Follow-up: What happened next?
  4. What did your phone or your music look like when you were young?
    Follow-up: Can you show me?
  5. What is a word or saying nobody uses anymore?
    Follow-up: When would you use it?
  6. What was your first job at my age?
    Follow-up: What did you get paid?
  7. What can I teach you?
    Follow-up: What can you teach me?

At holidays and reunions

You rarely have everyone in one room. Use it.

  1. What is the best holiday this family ever had?
    Follow-up: Who was there that isn't now?
  2. Which family recipe should never die?
    Follow-up: Who has the real version?
  3. What is the strangest gift you ever received?
    Follow-up: Where is it now?
  4. Who is the relative everyone has a story about?
    Follow-up: What is the best one?
  5. What tradition did we start by accident?
    Follow-up: How did it start?
  6. What tradition would you drop?
    Follow-up: What would you do in its place?
  7. What do you remember about this table when you were little?
    Follow-up: Who sat where?

When you want to go deeper

For quieter moments, when it's just two or three of you.

  1. What are you looking forward to?
    Follow-up: What is in the way?
  2. What do you worry about that you don't talk about?
    Follow-up: What would help?
  3. Who do you admire and never told?
    Follow-up: What did they do?
  4. When did you last feel really happy?
    Follow-up: What was happening?
  5. What do you wish this family did more of?
    Follow-up: How could we start?
  6. What is something about you most of us don't know?
    Follow-up: Why haven't you said?
  7. What did you need from us that you didn't get?
    Follow-up: What would you ask for now?

With younger kids

Silly questions get kids talking. Serious ones can follow on their own.

  1. If our dog or cat could talk, what would it complain about?
    Follow-up: What would it ask for?
  2. What would you do if you were in charge for a day?
    Follow-up: Who would help you?
  3. What superpower would be the most useful at school?
    Follow-up: What would you do with it first?
  4. What was the kindest thing you saw today?
    Follow-up: What did the other person do?
  5. What is the hardest thing about being your age?
    Follow-up: What would make it easier?
  6. What do you think grown-ups do all day?
    Follow-up: Which part looks fun?
  7. What do you want to remember about being this age?
    Follow-up: Should we write it down?

Before you sit down

The best way to use these is to not make a thing of it. Skip the announcement that the family is now going to have a meaningful talk. Put a question out while you're passing the potatoes, answer it yourself first, and see who picks it up. Some families keep a few written on cards in a jar, and take turns drawing one.

Answering first matters. If you ask a teenager what they're worried about without offering anything of your own, it feels like questioning. Tell a small true story and the question feels like an invitation. Keep it light at first and let the serious ones come up later, when people are relaxed.

Pay attention to who hasn't spoken. Quiet family members often have the best answers, and they just need a direct and easy way in. If a conversation gets good, let it run and forget the list. And if an older relative tells a story worth keeping, ask whether you can record it. Those stories are the ones people wish they had saved, and asking takes only a moment of your time.

Three common mistakes

  • Asking too much at once. Two questions in one sentence get half an answer. Ask one, then wait.
  • Asking over a bad phone line. People give short answers when they can't hear you well or can't see your face. Sit down together, or use a clear connection and a quiet room.
  • Rushing to correct them. If a date is wrong, let it go. Stop someone to fix a detail and they stop telling the story. Check facts later.

Download the cheat sheet

Every question and follow-up from this page on a PDF you can print. Keep it folded in a pocket, or leave it on the table during a visit.

Common questions

What are good family conversation starters?

Good ones are easy to answer and hard to answer with one word, such as which family recipe should never die or what you did for fun at my age.

How do you get teenagers to talk at dinner?

Avoid direct questions about their day. Ask for an opinion, such as which rule they would change. The car often works better than the table.

How can I record what family members say?

A phone voice recorder on the table works. To keep it going, Tell Me Family's AI interviewer can continue the conversation and write it up.

Would you rather not do the asking? Start a free interview. You send a link, the AI asks the questions and follows up on what they say, and you keep the recording and a written story. The first ten minutes are free, and they don't need an app.